


So Often or So Earnestly

by freelancejouster



Category: GOT7
Genre: A Brief Mention of Pain During Sex, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming In Pants, Coming Too Early, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentioned Others - Freeform, Pining, Playful Slutshaming, Underage - Freeform, Virgin Jaebum, handjobs, mentioned past relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-22 15:20:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freelancejouster/pseuds/freelancejouster
Summary: If it were anyone else, he'd probably laugh at how many hours they lost together, tangled up and draped over one another.  How often he found himself with beard burn or bruised lips and how much he didn't really mind.It was almost perfect.





	So Often or So Earnestly

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: virgin Jaebum, that's it, that's the prompt  
> likes: coming too early and being really embarrassed uwu
> 
> i got you buddy
> 
> warning: they're high school seniors in this. it's plausible one or both of them are 17. if that makes you uncomfy, please read something else :)

“Picture this,” Jackson says, and he’s sweeping his hand across the space in front of him, like that will get Jaebum more involved in the process somehow.

They’re camped out in Jackson’s bedroom, with all the sports paraphernalia plastered to the walls, the array of technology draping his oversized desk in the corner — and Jaebum sprawled over one end of his bed looking a bit like an out of place decoration. He doesn’t match, it’s painfully obvious.

He picks at the loose threads coming off the knee of his jeans and tries to ignore it. Tries to focus on Jackson.

“Are you picturing?” Jackson asks with a little laugh. It’s very Jackson. His hair flops a little forward onto his forehead and he shakes it back. Jaebum watches. Like he always does.

“I’m picturing,” Jaebum assures him. Jackson squints at him a little, hand still outstretched and Jaebum, even in this disinteresting conversation, can’t help but laugh. “I am! I’m picturing, I’m picturing.”

“Right,” he says with a grin, flashing pretty, square teeth. “So. I’m at Dolly’s, right? And it’s a regular afternoon, yellow light hitting all the sticky red booths, but they’re way too empty. No screaming children whatsoever. And I make my way through to the counter, and there’s just Namjoo, there at the front like she always is in that dumb hat they make her wear.”

“Namjoo at the counter, got it.”

“Only it’s not Namjoo, not really. It looks like her but she’s sort of – translucent. Like I can see the ice cream machine behind her pretty clearly.”

“Namjoo’s a ghost?”

“No, she’s definitely alive,” Jackson says with a shake of his head. “She’s definitely alive, but she’s just sort of floating there. And I try and place my order, you know, the usual double bacon cheeseburger, and she starts pushing the buttons on the cash register but her hand goes right through it.”

“She definitely sounds like a ghost,” Jaebum says with a laugh.

“I’m a logical person,” Jackson stresses, and then pushes forward before Jaebum can question him. “I know that ghosts aren’t real. Anyway, semi-transparent Namjoo and I just kind of stand there staring at each other for a long moment and the whole scene starts to fade into a weird gray, like we’re in one of those noire movies Jinyoung thinks are so interesting. But it’s more like it’s covering us, like it’s fog or something. And there’s this tinkling piano coming from somewhere and suddenly I’m wearing a fedora and a trench coat and it –“

“Was it sexy?” Jaebum interrupts.

If Jackson’s offended at being interrupted it doesn’t show. His eyebrows shoot up. “The trench coat?”

“Yeah, you said this was a sexy dream,” Jaebum reminds him. 

“I guess a little,” Jackson shrugs a shoulder and wrinkles up his nose and Jaebum feels a little foolish for suggesting it. He tries to construct his face into a gently bemused expression, but it probably just ends up giddy. “It was more just like that vibe, you know, like a little sultry and a little like something might happen.”

“And that’s why you’ve got a big fat crush on Namjoo out of nowhere.” The words feel weird in his mouth. Like they don’t belong to him. Like he’s pretending at something. 

“I think so, yeah.” Jackson grins and climbs onto the bed next to Jaebum.

“So you’re into ghosts?” Jaebum asks. Jackson cackles and reaches for the nearest pillow to hit Jaebum with. He can’t help but notice how much more he fits into the space, how the color of his shirt complements the pillow, how there’s a bit of art on the wall above his dresser in the same green-blue.

Jaebum feels distinctly _other_ in his ratty t-shirt and holey jeans on the gently rumpled bedspread. Feels distinctly other in that he doesn’t remember the last time he’s had a crush without really knowing someone. Can’t remember ever feeling like he could possibly act on it, because he’s just –

“I’m into everyone, you know that. Anyway, _will_ you come with me to Dolly’s please at look at her with this new light of dream babe with me?” Jackson asks.

“What about that was babely?” Jaebum laughs, but Jackson just shakes his head and pouts at him a little.

He’s hard to say no to. And Jaebum doesn’t really want to say yes, but he knows that that’ll be a thing that Jackson will think that they should talk about and Jaebum just – doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t want to talk about _this_ with Jackson, of all people.

“Are you paying?” he asks instead. Jackson grins.

 

—

 

They go to Dolly’s. Jackson makes Jaebum order a pair of milkshakes by shoving a twenty into his hand and then plopping down at the surprisingly unoccupied corner table. Despite Jackson dreaming of Dolly’s being mostly abandoned, the real diner was stuffed full of people, a half dozen classmates crammed into the nearest booth. One of the girls waves when she sees Jaebum look over. He nods back.

Namjoo’s at the counter, like she always is, and she looks, well, like Namjoo. Hair just a little bit curly beneath her silly paper hat, dimples cute but smile fake and tired. Her voice is nice, Jaebum supposes as she places their order, but she doesn’t look any different than she always has. There’s nothing special about her, not really. Not like – well.

They drink their milkshakes and Jackson chatters about Namjoo at a volume so loud that Namjoo can probably hear him and Jaebum tries not to ruin his mood, the way that he so often seems to do.

It’s nice, he supposes, to watch Jackson talk so animatedly. It’s fun to watch the way his limbs get away from him and his gestures grow more and more excited and exaggerated. It’s soothing, somehow, to watch the expressions his face contorts into. Jaebum notices the little line of stubble along his jaw, the little bit of pink on his cheeks from the crush, and it’s –

Well, Jaebum spends a lot of time staring at Jackson, is the thing. And he’s nice to look at all the time.

“So do you like anyone?” Jackson asks, casual, while they walk back to his house. They’re both sort of sipping on their milkshakes, bumping together every few feet. Jaebum’s heart hurts. Just a little.

He forces a laugh. “You know me.”

Jackson makes a soft little humming sound. He does know Jaebum. They’ve known each other for ages, Jaebum spends more time at his house than his own.

It feels a little like a betrayal sometimes, the heat that gathers beneath his skin when he looks at Jackson. The way that he only and always wants to look at Jackson. Because of course he does, he’s been there this entire time. It shouldn’t – Jaebum knows that it’s not supposed to feel like this. Not really. That he shouldn’t –

“You know,” Jackson says. He’s not looking at Jaebum, just kind of digging his straw into his milkshake, like he’s gotten all the good parts of it out already. He’s not looking at Jaebum, but it feels strangely intimate anyways. He wanders back towards Jaebum, letting their arms brush and the way Jaebum’s stomach swoops in response is immediate. “It’s funny, I’ve been thinking about you.”

Jaebum feels his eyebrows raise. “Have you now?”

Jackson doesn’t say anything for a moment. Just kind of hovers beside him and fiddles with the straw. Jaebum doesn’t know where is this going and he feels an odd sort of anxiety fizzle in against his ribs. He isn’t – he doesn’t know what Jackson could possibly be thinking about him. Or what he would have to preface it like that. _It’s funny_.

“Always,” Jackson jokes, but it falls a little flat. Jaebum wishes he had more of his milkshake left. Something to pay attention to other than this. “No, but I – I was wondering if you might be like – I don’t know how much you’ve thought about it, but there’s this girl in my art class who’s demi-sexual and I just –“

“Nah, I don’t know about that,” Jaebum says, shaking his head. There’s no – visible reaction. Jackson doesn’t really look surprised either way, but Jaebum mostly wonders why Jackson was thinking that much about his sexuality in the first place. “Just haven’t met anyone worthwhile, you know.”

“Right, fair, sorry,” Jackson says. He chuckles a little, and it sounds almost apologetic.

“No it’s –“ Jaebum doesn’t know what to say. It seems he never knows what to say to Jackson anymore. All the words he tries to piece together end up falling strangely, like they know the way his heart thumps against his ribcage whenever he looks at Jackson for too long, whenever he thinks about Jackson for too long. It’s not fair, not really. But he knows he needs to say something. “It’s really fine. Thank you for – for thinking about me.”

“Of course,” Jackson says.

And there’s a beat like he wants to say something else. Where it feels like they’re hovering just shy of something. But then it passes and Jackson throws the rest of their milkshakes away.

They walk the rest of the way home in companionable silence and it feels _almost_ regular.

 

—

 

The thing about secrets is that after a while they sort of settle into your bones. They start to become part of you. There are only so many truths about himself that Jaebum can hold and the fact that he’s in love with his best friend just happens to be one of them. 

 

He watches and attempts to be encouraging as he flits from one relationship to another. Watches as he throws himself in love and then back out of it. Picks him up from Namjoo’s house in the middle of the night the summer before their senior year in only a sheepish grin and a pair of black briefs. Only teases him a little about being a slut. Googles ways to get rid of hickeys on the bed beside him after the first time he stayed over at Mark’s. Only smacks his ass once when he complains about it being sore.

And he’s not hoping for anything, not really. He doesn’t expect that Jackson will let his gaze linger on Jaebum for too long and somehow realize the magnitude of the crush he’s been harboring for all these years. Doesn’t wish he _wasn’t_ falling in love with other people all over the place, because he seems so happy to do it.

Jaebum wonders, sometimes, if he shouldn’t be out trying to do the same. To ignore his feelings for Jackson more properly. Let Jinyoung drag him into a closet at a party or make out with Hyunwoo after practice or something. Worries that maybe he should get some experience from somewhere, that maybe he’s – he’s being left behind in some ways. But he – 

He doesn’t. For now, he’s content just holding his crush in against his chest. Cradling it quietly and carefully bandaging it when he gets especially careless.

It doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything, not really. Because he’s got Jackson anyway, right beside him on his bedroom floor most of the time. Wearing a borrowed sweatshirt or something just as often. Staring up at the ceiling together and planning out the futures they might have, together and apart.

 

—

 

Panic.

“Wait, what did you just say?” Jaebum asks, trying to sound normal.

Jackson’s eyebrows raise, but he repeats himself. “I said, I’m thinking of going to New York for college. I think it’ll be really good for me. Alone in a giant city.”

Jaebum doesn’t – he doesn’t know how to process this. It shouldn’t affect him like this, but it does. It feels a little like he’s swallowed water down wrong. They’d been talking about going to community college together just last week. Jaebum’s grades were fine, but the expense would just – well it would be a lot easier to manage for the first couple years, while he figures out what he wants to do.

“Oh, have you –“

“I mean I haven’t applied yet or anything, no. But don’t you think it’d be cool? There’s so many different cultures and things. I mean, we have that here, too, but I’ve _been_ here already, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum says. But he doesn’t know, not really. He doesn’t really want to leave, but mostly because it feels like he can’t. He wraps his arms around himself and it’s more because he doesn’t know how to hold whatever this feeling is in otherwise.

Things have been good, things have been fine, but now – 

“Are you alright?” Jackson asks, and it’s not – it’s not funny and he doesn’t treat it like it’s funny. His words are soft like he knows Jaebum might not be. They haven’t spoken about it, but they’re as close as they’ve always been. Laying on the floor with their arms pressed together, because it’s so much easier to talk about the future when they’re not looking at each other.

Jaebum knows what his face looks like, anyway. Knows it’s probably sympathetic. Knows he feels like he’s said the wrong thing.

And usually. Usually he wouldn’t say anything. Usually Jaebum would smile benignly and brush it off as just another thing he could deal with, but it – it’s too big to do that with.

“I want you to be happy,” Jaebum says, and it doesn’t really feel like the next part of the conversation, but they both know that it is. It doesn’t seem so hard to keep going with it, even though Jaebum can feel his heart choking its way into his throat. “I just – I just don’t know what I’ll do without you, you know?”

Jackson hums. “I know, but it’s. Like it’s college, right, I feel like I’m supposed to –“

“You’re supposed to stay here,” Jaebum says. The words feel – they’re too much. But he’s so panicked, they come anyway. “You’re supposed to stay here with me.”

Jackson laughs a little, but it’s not mean. He doesn’t think Jackson has a mean bone in his body. He says things forcefully sometimes when he’s overtired, he complains about teachers sometimes when he thinks they’re being unfair. But he’s not mean, he’s never been mean. “I’m supposed to stay with you?”

There’s a pause, and it’s almost – it feels as though maybe it’s an opportunity for something.

“Please,” Jaebum says, and it feels like he’s asking for so much more.

“Jaebum.”

Jaebum licks his lips but doesn’t say anything. Lets the feeling settle into his gut like cement. There’s another way to do this, probably, but it feels as though he’s started on a path he’s not sure how to get off of. He might as well attempt to steer it.

He can’t just – tell his best friend he’s been in love with him since before he figured out what that feeling was. That would be – 

“Do you remember, like, four years ago,” Jaebum says, up towards the ceiling. “When you told me you thought Jinyoung might be gay because he kept touching your arm and looking at you in the eye when you worked on that science project together. And then you kept on talking in case I was going to say something terrible and said that you thought you might also be gay because you kissed him in the bathroom during study hall?”

Jackson’s laughing, like he can’t believe Jaebum remembers that and he’s not sure where he’s going with it. “I guess, yeah.”

“Do you remember how I said something like, well that would depend on if you liked the kiss or not.” Jaebum could remember how he’d looked that day. Sort of sheepish and nervous in equal parts, like he wasn’t sure how Jaebum would take the conversation but also in that he’d never really been nervous to talk to Jaebum about anything before. It wasn’t so different from how Jaebum felt now.

“Yeah,” Jackson says quietly. It sounds almost like he’s holding his breath. Like he’s afraid any volume at all might – might break something.

But he doesn’t look nervous when Jaebum rolls up onto one arm to look at him, he just sort of looks bemused like maybe he’s figured out where Jaebum is going with this. Jaebum figures most people are probably drunk or crying or dealing with a devastating break up of some kind when they first lean over to kiss their best friend. But he’s not. And Jackson’s still looking at him like he can’t quite work him out, but he’s not either.

Jaebum leans in and kisses Jackson and he’s been worried that it would feel strange or that Jackson might push him away or laugh during it like he’s so prone to do, but Jackson just sighs a little against him and parts his lips to drag his tongue along the seam of Jaebum’s lips. Jaebum’s kissed people before, his friend group tends towards games like spin the bottle at parties, and he kissed Mark out of excitement after a big game last year, but it never felt like this, never felt so _right_. Never felt like dissolving right into each other and sunsoaked meadows and softly roasting marshmallows and poems that just sink right into skin.

Perhaps the strangest part is that it doesn’t feel anything other than natural. Like of course this was going to happen and Jaebum’s been agonizing over his crush for years for no reason at all.

When Jaebum breaks the kiss Jackson looks pleased more than anything, eyebrows raised a little like he’s thinking of making fun of Jaebum. But he stays quiet for once.

“So I think I might be gay?” Jaebum says. They giggle together and Jaebum feels a wave of relief when Jackson hooks his fingers in the collar of his sweatshirt and pulls him back in.

 

—

 

Jaebum had been kissed before but never so often or so earnestly. He didn't think he'd ever get used to the way that Jackson could pour his whole self into a kiss, how he seemed determined to reach every part of Jaebum and how he seemed to _want_ to just as much.

If it were anyone else, he'd probably laugh at how many hours they lost together, tangled up and draped over one another. How often he found himself with beard burn or bruised lips and how much he didn't really mind.

Jaebum found himself breathless and distracted, something wavering hazy but joyful on his tongue, an overwhelming feeling of warmth curling along the expanse of his skin whenever he looked towards Jackson. A soft little _yours_ echoing through his mind whenever they locked eyes and it —

It was almost perfect.

Jaebum wasn't sure he could get any more smitten, but he found himself worrying about other things when they were cuddling benignly on Jackson's couch or tucked together in his bed. When Jackson would drag fond fingers over the flat plane of Jaebum's stomach, stroking carefully like he couldn't believe he was allowed to touch, making Jaebum twitch and shiver.

And it wasn't as though Jaebum didn't _want_ him to, he loved the little thrill of not quite being sure where he'd be touched next; loved that Jackson seemed to want to touch every inch of him, to pet at his skin so reverently. _Wanted_ in some ways for Jackson to keep touching wherever he wanted and not think about it so much.

However, that didn't stop him from being incredibly nervous whenever he thought about more than just leisurely touches. Whenever he thought about doing anything more than kissing. Whenever a bit of arousal stirred beneath his skin and seemed as though it might claw its way to the surface if Jackson touched him for much longer or much lower.

He _wanted_ but he knew that he'd come up lacking if they went any further. Knew Jackson had stacks and stacks more experience than him and that it — that _sex_ — would probably be awkward. And painful. And he just — didn't want to make Jackson deal with any of that. His inexperience.

It was — he felt almost ashamed to think that he'd been pining after his best friend for so long and now here he was. Probably disappointing him.

"Hey," Jackson says quietly. It's almost a whisper, but tucked close together like they are Jaebum could probably hear him no matter the volume. Jackson's not quiet often, so it feels almost special. Jaebum lets his eyes flutter shut as Jackson drags his fingertips through Jaebum's hair, scratching lightly across his scalp like he knows he likes and coaxing little tingles down his spine. "What are you thinking so hard about?"

Jaebum hums, angling his head for a better angle. He feels a little like a puppy but doesn't mind. "You," he says, half the truth.

"Good things?" Jackson asks.

"Only always," Jaebum says.

They've talked about it more, the future. That thing that scared them both so much that they were thrown into action. He hangs more soundly in front of them, a year planned at a community college a little ways away — they'd researched it together, their laptops open on their knees right next to each other, trying to figure out what they might want to do with their lives, which ones had the best transfer rates. They'd gotten distracted a couple times, bumping their knees together and stealing kisses, but they'd made a decision. Filled out the applications together, started looking at apartments together.

That they talked about, planning and deciding and betting on each other.

But this.

This they hadn't. This seemed even bigger than what they were going to do. It sat heavy on the tip of Jaebum's tongue and pressed heavy down his throat with nerves and discomfort and —

Jackson squints at him, unconvinced. He presses a kiss to the inside of Jaebum's wrist and then continues to squint at him. It feels like it's supposed to be funny, but Jaebum also feels kind of guilty. It feels like he's hiding something, even though Jackson knows. Jackson _knows_ he's a virgin.

Jaebum rolls his lips in.

He still feels guilty.

"You know you can tell me, whatever it is," Jackson says. He sounds so sincere. There's so much caring his his gaze, in the way he's pulled a little half-smile onto his mouth to try and make Jaebum feel more at ease. The concern in his heavy brows.

"The good things about you?" Jaebum jokes. Jackson frowns just a little and shakes his head, but doesn't look annoyed. Not really.

"Sure."

 

—

 

They should talk about it. Jaebum knows they should talk about it.

It's just that he doesn't _want_ to. Just thinking about what words he'd have to say aloud to reach any sort of worthwhile level of understanding makes him want to go out and buy a shovel and manually bury himself in the ground.

He figures Jackson probably suspects, can tell the way Jaebum flinches away when his fingers drag too low. How he pulls back, red faced and flustered and tugging his shirt down over his hips, after their kisses grow particularly heated. It's not as though he's not interested — he _wants_ but doesn't know how to say it, is too nervous to just —

God, do people just grind against each other? It feels silly to think about, to want to kick his hips up against Jackson's, even while he _knows_ it'd feel good.

He's thought about it before, of course, but now that it's something that he thinking _might_ happen, something he _wants_ to happen, well. It seems much more real. Much more likely to go wrong.

And just thinking about what words he'd have to say aloud to reach some sort of understanding or clarity moment on the subject churns his stomach exponentially more than just about any other subject. So he doesn't.

Jaebum finds himself thinking about it almost constantly anyway. About how it might feel. How embarrassing he might want to behave. Feels his hips want to kick up against Jackson during a kiss. How Jackson's tongue will drag against his and leave him almost whining when he pulls away and it's —

Fuck it's embarrassing.

It’s _embarrassing_.

Every time he thinks about he feels like such a fucking baby. Like he should know more than this, be more experienced than this. Know what to do and where to put his hands and how to touch someone in a way they might like and to do it purposefully. Like he might be able to press his fingertips into Jackson’s hips and leave bruises the way that he’s joked about. Like he might be able to grab him at all without his fingers trembling a little bit first.

 

—

 

“Baby,” Jackson says, in the gruff way his voice gets sometimes.

Jaebum hums a response and presses his face in against Jackson’s neck a little bit more firmly. They're meant to be watching a movie, some romance movie Namjoo had been talking about in the group chat, but any pretense of paying attention had dropped off about fifteen minutes in.

They're just laying together, gently dozing, using the movie as an excuse to cuddle close, Jaebum tucked in against Jackson's shoulder, his nose to his neck, their legs tangled together. Jackson smells like soap and something a little bit spicy, almost like cinnamon or clove, and it makes Jaebum want to stay there forever, listening to the movie traipse along in the background. It's supremely comforting in a way that nothing else is. In a way that he figures nothing else will ever feel.

He feels like he's _home_ , but then Jackson has always felt like home to him. Even when he didn’t quite seem to fit in.

"You're so cute like this," Jackson says, quiet, low. Just for Jaebum to hear. Jaebum presses a kiss to the closest part of Jackson to him, just a brush of lips against his collar bone. His skin's soft, smooth to almost velvety. He doesn't think much about it before kissing him again and it's —

He hears a soft little hitch of breath.

Jaebum's eyes blink open. He presses his lips together and wonders if —

"Cute like what?" Jaebum asks. Jackson meets his gaze and shakes his head a little. And Jaebum doesn't _know_ that that's what he's thinking, but it almost feels like Jackson saying that he can't believe he's gotten so lucky.

"Cute like this," Jackson says again, curling an arm around him tighter to hold him even closer. "Cuddled up with me."

"Good."

They lay quietly together for a moment longer. Music swells quietly in the background, some climax or other being reached on the movie. Maybe it was the big argument scene, maybe it was the scene after, where the protagonists made back up. Jaebum isn't really paying attention to it.

What he is paying attention to is the way Jackson's been petting smooth little circles at the small of his back and soft little tingles are wandering through his stomach and dribbling down his limbs in response. It feels nice, it feels indescribably nice the way it seems to be gathering and growing at this tiny, mindless touch from his boyfriend.

What surprises him is that he's grown hard, his cock swollen and tight at the front of his jeans and he doesn't remember it _happening_ but it's definitely there now and definitely seems to be in response to Jackson touching him.

 _Does he know?_ is the mildly panicked thought that zips to the front of his mind. Jaebum feels his cheeks grow warmer without thinking about it too much. It shouldn't be embarrassing, but it is. It shouldn't feel shameful, but it does.

"Hey," Jackson says, and he sounds bemused more than anything. He drags a cool thumb along Jaebum's cheekbone. "Hey what's up?" he asks.

Jaebum shakes his head, tight and quick. He doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't know how to talk about it. He watches as Jackson's face softens even more.

Part of him wants to bolt, wants to extract himself from their tangle of limbs and run right out of the room. Splash some water on his face or something. Jump into the shower, maybe. But it's —

He meets Jackson's eyes, lets his mouth drop open just a little bit. 

Part of him definitely doesn't. He's nervous, but he's — he knows that sex is supposed to feel good, when it's with someone you care about or who knows how to make you feel good. And he knows Jackson cares about him and has more experience than him, so it'd probably — it'd probably go well, right?

"I —" Jaebum starts, and he can feel how warm his cheeks are. Can feel all the points of contact between his body and Jackson's, all the places that they're tucked together and overlapping. Feels Jackson's hand slide a bit higher on his back, pulling the hem of his shirt up with it, and he almost wants to whine at how much he _wants_ but doesn't know how to say what he wants. He bites at his bottom lip for a moment and feels kind of silly and sheepish because it's Jackson after all.

Jackson probably never had this problem — he never seems scared to say anything.

"I like you," he says. It's not quite right. He lets his fingers curl into the fabric of Jackson's sweatshirt a little more tightly. "A lot," he adds, like that much help.

Words shouldn't be this hard.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter what he says, because Jackson seems to understand anyway. "Is that so," he says with a grin, teeth pretty and square. "I like you too. A lot." He pauses for a moment, considering, and then — "You know I don't want to pressure you into anything, right? I'm not like, about to maul you or anything, you don't need to run away if you want to wait a little longer."

"Maul me?" Jaebum asks. Makes a face.

Instead of answering, Jackson moves his hand to rub across Jaebum's stomach, gentle and soothing, the bend of his wrist just brushing against the hard line of Jaebum's cock. A soft little whimper escapes his throat and his cheeks blush a little bit redder. Jackson looks as though he thinks he should be apologetic, but mostly just looks a little smug.

"Oh," Jaebum says and bites his lower lip. "No, I don't — I don't think you're going to maul me, I'm just —"

"Nervous?"

Jaebum nods. It feels like an admission of sorts but it doesn't — it's not as scary as he thought it might be. To admit to.

"Nervous like —" Jackson starts, licks his lips. They're talking about it but it doesn't feel terrible. Jaebum can feel how tenderly Jackson's looking at him and more than anything he just wants to melt into a puddle. "Nervous like how?"

"I just — haven't done this — it — before."

"I know." Jackson nods a little.

"I don't — know what i'm doing?" Jaebum tries, but it's not quite what he's worried about. He takes a breath. "It's — I don't want to disappoint you, or —"

"Baby," Jackson says again, soothing. Jaebum presses his lips together, melts a little bit more. "Don't worry about that, I don't give a shit."

"Okay," Jaebum says. It's more of a whisper than he intended.

"You couldn't — I don't think you could possibly disappoint me," Jackson says, and maybe it's cheesy, but it — Jaebum feels himself melt that little bit more in response.

"I don't know about that," he says, with a little smile. There's nowhere to hide and it's both nice and overwhelming at once.

"I do."

"Okay."

Okay," Jackson says. The word hangs between them for a moment and it feels — heavy, almost. Like they've put emphasis down somewhere. Jaebum feels like he could taste it on his tongue if he tried to.

And then Jackson's pressing their lips together, hard, and Jaebum stifles a giggle as he kisses him back. The hand on his stomach pets higher, pulling his shirt with it, and then Jackson's tweaking a nipple between his fingertips, rolling it just a little to make Jaebum gasp and grab tightly at Jackson's arm.

It's not as though Jaebum's not still nervous. There's no way all of the anxiety and shame and embarrassment along the whole _virginity_ subject could just leave his body with a kiss. But it's also not nearly as nerve-wracking as he worried it would be.

His body might respond with alarming excitement at Jackson touching him, but it feels _good_ and Jackson's seems to be doing about the same in response and also it's — it's Jackson. It's always been Jackson, and he's not scared of him or anything he might do to him. Not really. It feels a little silly to think that he ever was.

Jackson hums out a soft little moan that goes straight to Jaebum's dick as Jaebum drags reverent fingers down his back, touching as much of him as he can, letting himself properly _feel_ the boy he cares so much about. He's always been sort of aware of Jackson's body in an abstract sense. How could he not be. Where Jaebum strong due to general athleticness, there's something cultivated in the way Jackson's muscles lay beneath his skin that feels much more purposeful and beautiful. Like he's made himself into a sculpture somewhere along the way, but hasn't bothered to dwell on it.

Jaebum wants to dwell on it, though. To trace his fingers over the smooth planes and the precise indentations. He moves his hands to the small of Jackson's waist just to feel it, to tug him just a little bit closer.

" _Oh_ ," Jackson says softly, like he likes the way it feels, and Jaebum feels a little trill of pleasure flit through him in response. He _likes_ when he can make Jackson feel good. Likes the way he seems to have some effect on him, even if he doesn't know what he's doing. " _Shit_ ," he says, low and quiet.

Without any further prompting, Jackson tugs the collar of his sweatshirt over the top of his head, pulling it and his tee shirt up and off of him.

"Like that?" he manages to ask, and strokes his thumbs across the skin there. Just touching. Just feeling. Watches the little shiver that seems to drag through Jackson's entire body in response.

Jackson just grins at him and there's something almost — predatory in the way he's looking at Jaebum, like he's hungry or something, and maybe it should be stranger, but Jaebum likes it at least a little bit. Likes the way that Jackson's leaning over him, the way he has to lean down for a kiss. The way he feels almost small beneath him. Precious in a way. Safe.

"Can I?" Jackson asks, tugging the hem of Jaebum's shirt up bit.

"Yeah," Jaebum breathes.

He sits up a bit and Jackson shuffles back to work together to pull it off of him. It's a little bit awkward, to want to be in close proximity but needing space to maneuver. Jaebum finds it a little silly, but it doesn't much matter. The after effect is that his shirt is off and so is Jackson's and they're pressed tightly together in the bed, Jackson draped over him a little, and looking equal parts eager and soft on him.

It's a lot, but it's exciting.

Feeling brave, Jaebum reaches out to brush his hand over the front of Jackson's jeans. Lets his thumb drag over the line of his cock. It feels — a little slutty, honestly. Like he's some wanton harlot in a romance novel. But the way Jackson shivers in response and moves to wiggle out of his jeans makes the thought leave his brain immediately.

It feels elicit in a way that nothing else has, to watch as Jackson shimmies out of his jeans. The way the fabric falls from around his legs, revealing the strong muscles and soft hair and a pair of tight little black boxer briefs. It's hot. Maybe it's that Jaebum's seen Jackson shirtless more times than he's seem him like this or something, but he feels warm all over just looking at him, taking in the curve of his waist, the curve of his thigh.

"Oh," Jaebum says without meaning to.

"Oh?" Jackson asks. Teasing just a little.

Jackson drapes himself back over him with a sharp sort of grin, hand going to tug at the waist of the sweatpants Jaebum had kind of forgotten he was still wearing. He starts to sit up a little to help Jackson take them off of him, but all he gets in return is a hand pressing convincingly in the middle of his chest. Shoving him bodily back onto the bed.

"Wha —" Jaebum starts, but Jackson leans down and kisses him in the same fluid movement he uses to slip his hand beneath the waistband of Jaebum's pants.

Jackson captures Jaebum's lips in his own, sucking gently on the lower one, licking softly between them and it's a good kiss, it's a _good_ kiss, but all Jaebum can focus on is the feeling of Jackson's fingers wrapping loosely around his cock.

It's like nothing he'd ever imagined. He's touched himself before, sometimes in the shower beneath a downpour of hot water, sometimes late at night when he found that he couldn't sleep. But it hasn't felt like this.

Nothing has felt like this. 

Pleasure blossoms wherever Jackson touches and seems quickly like they might overtake his entire body. There's something so tangible about it being _Jackson_ touching him and _Jackson_ making him feel good that it —

Jaebum moans without meaning to, throwing his head back onto the pillows.

"Baby," Jackson coos, and comes back to kiss at his neck, sending little tingles through his entire body as he licks softly at his collarbone.

It's overwhelming in the best way, _good_ in the best way. Everything feels warm and bright and even Jackson calling him a baby feels _hot_ and heavy in against his chest. Unbidden, really, he thinks about what _more_ might feel like. How it might feel to fuck into Jackson and pull a hundred different sounds from him. How it might feel for Jackson to press inside him.

Or, _God_ , how it might feel for Jackson to fuck him.

It’s too much, all of it together. The dry rasp of Jackson’s hand on him, the soft texture of his sweatpants brushing along his cock, the thoughts of Jackson fucking into him.

It's not long at all before he realizes he's close, he's so close. He's not able to blurt out much more than a, “Shit, I'm —" before Jackson drags his palm over the head of his cock and then he's coming, hard, orgasm dragging through him and lighting every part of him with pleasure.

Jackson laughs at him a little and kisses at his cheek a little as he comes down, before reaching for the box of kleenex beside the bed.

“Oh,” he says, trying and failing to not pout about it. It had felt good, but now he mostly just feels sticky and a little gross. And a little disappointed in himself, if he’s being honestly.

“Baby,” Jackson hums. He pushes his bangs off his forehead, kisses the exposed skin. “It’s okay, it’s cute. You’re fine.”

Jaebum’s not entirely convinced, but he curls up next to Jackson anyway.

 

—

 

They lie in bed together for a while longer, Jaebum kind of dozy and sated. Another romantic comedy popped up onto the television at Jackson's request.

Jaebum had tried protesting that they should keep going. Had wanted to return the favor, but Jackson had made a face like he was being silly and pulled him closer to cuddle. "It doesn't matter," Jackson had said, kissing at the top of his head. "I don't mind." And they'd settled in together.

Jaebum doesn't doubt that that's true. His boyfriend is sweet, if a little loud sometimes, and he knows that Jaebum doesn't have any experience to speak of at all besides a few kisses. Well, and this, now.

But as they watch the movie together, something with more characters than he can keep track of falling in and out of love with each other faster than seems particularly possible, Jaebum realizes that while Jackson might not mind, he does.

He minds because he's been agonizing over this for weeks and the second that he's finally settled on _wanting_ more, things went a different way. And don't get him wrong, that other way felt incredible, if short-lived. But that doesn't stop him from like — still actively wanting his boyfriend's cock. 

He glances over at Jackson, at the easy way he's sprawled across the bed, sweatpants thrown on over his boxer briefs, shirtless and tucked in against him. Sees how pretty his skin is, how cultivated the muscles in his chest and down his stomach are (who even has like, _real_ abs). He can't help but imagine the way they might look tensing as Jackson thrusts into him and he feels his cock twitch in interest even though he's already come.

He swallows hard.

He wants it like now.

"Hey," he says soft, cuddling in against Jackson a little bit more.

Jackson hums to indicate that he's listening. Trails his fingers through Jaebum's hair, scratching lightly like he knows Jaebum likes.

Jaebum rubs his face into the soft skin of Jackson's neck and presses a few soft kisses there. When Jackson tilts his head back with a little sigh, he kisses up a little, along his jawline, at his earlobe. He watches as Jackson curls his fingers into the blankets and he — he feels decidedly braver, now, than he did before. Feels almost as though he's capable of anything.

"I want you to fuck me," he says, low, and directly in Jackson's ear. 

"Fuck," Jackson says in response and looks almost as though he's melting a little at the words. But after a moment, his eyebrows tense up and he looks over at Jaebum. "Are you sure?" he asks, "We don't — please don't feel like you have to, it's not — are you even sure you'd want to bottom?"

Jaebum is not sure he's ever been this certain about anything.

He nods and lets himself grin. He's making himself hard just thinking about it, and now that he's let himself try and move things forward, he realizes that Jackson's hard, too (probably still), and it's empowering in a way he wasn't expecting.

"Please don't make me beg," Jaebum says quietly. And then Jackson's kissing him hard and tugging Jaebum's sweatpants down a little, helping him to take him off.

It's all so exciting and new. Jaebum wants to touch him everywhere that he can, wants to taste every inch of his skin. Wants Jackson as close as physically possible.

There's a hand on his ass, parting his cheeks just a little, fingertips dragging over his hole, and he feels a jolt of excitement. He knows it's still a big step, it certainly feels like a big step, but it's — it's Jackson and he cares about him and he's _hot_ and —

Well it doesn't feel so scary anymore.

He hears what has to be the squelch of lube being squeezed onto Jackson's hand.

"Just relax baby," Jackson murmurs against his skin, lips dragging against the column of Jaebum's neck. It feels intimate, close. Closer than the handjob did earlier for some reason.

Jaebum makes a little squeaking noise as Jackson presses a finger inside of him. Perhaps he should have practiced by himself or something beforehand. There was probably time for him to experiment with himself, to see what sorts of things he was into, but — well, if ever there was a time to dive right into something it was with Jackson pressed against him and looking like _that_. Jaebum watches transfixed as Jackson's brow furrows a little in concentration. Tries to focus on that instead of the pressure inside of him.

Tries to relax.

Jackson's hand comes to pet at his thigh and the extra contact makes him moan softly. He lets his legs fall open a little bit more.

"God, you're pretty," Jackson says.

Jaebum feels his cheeks redden. It feels a little ridiculous to be embarrassed by something like words when there's a finger up his ass, but it happens anyway. Jaebum throws his arm over his face to hide in his own forearm and receives a little coo in response. 

Jackson presses in deeper and it doesn't feel good, exactly, but it doesn't hurt either. The pressure is sort of nice and when Jackson presses in his palm brushes haphazardly against his balls sending gentle little rolling bits of pleasure through him.

"You want another one?" Jackson asks. Jaebum lets himself whine softly and then Jackson's grinning in that way he has. When he thinks Jaebum's being adorable. It feels like an odd fit for the situation, but it's — Jaebum's fond anyway. He always seems to end up on the side of fond.

Jackson adds a little extra lube and presses in, in. There's more of a stretch this time than just a strange presence, and it stings just a little bit. He lets himself gasp against the sheets, lets Jackson press down in the small of his back and he's _just_ come, really, but it feels like a lot anyway.

He knows that he's ridiculously hard already. Knows by the way Jackson glances down almost gleefully to see his cock bobbing and jostling against his stomach.

"Fuck baby," Jackson coos, rubbing his thumb just beneath the head of Jaebum's cock

"Shit," is all he can say in response. He throws his head back against the pillows. Resists the urge to fuck down onto his boyfriend's fingers.

Jackson adds another finger just when Jaebum finds himself wanting more. It's amazing the way Jackson seems to know what he'll want before he wants it, knows what will feel wonderful on his body better than he does. There's something so _hot_ in the deftness of Jackson's movements, the way he's spreading his fingers just a little inside of him and hitting something that makes him feel like nothing has before.

But more than that, it's almost as dizzying to be — less adept. There's something that feels elicit in the best way in that Jackson's the one teaching him what feels good. Jackson's the one who's going to fuck inside of him and make him see stars.

He feels kind of foolish, but more because of how embarrassing he'd found the whole subject just a few hours ago.

There's a brief little disjointed thought that Jackson might be making him into a slut. And then his cock is pressing in, thick and blunt, and Jaebum finds that he doesn't mind if that's the case in the slightest.

There's a dull ache of pain radiating through his stomach. It's not a _lot_ , he's been in much worse pain before. But it's there and it hurts and part of him wants to scramble away off the bed and wonder if _wow bottoming is just not for me_. Wants to claw himself out of the room like a caged animal, like a fish from land, like a bird from a next.

He makes himself take a breath.

Hold it for five. Let it out slowly. Listen to the soft shushing noises Jackson is making. Listen to how he's telling him to relax, it'll be okay, just relax.

 

Jackson pets softly at his thigh and across his stomach, letting his fingertips brush over Jaebum's cock, letting the soft ministrations pull him out of his head little by little.

Jackson moves slow and careful, getting Jaebum used to something bigger than a couple of fingers inside of him. "Hey," he says softly and rubs a thumb across Jaebum's furrowed brow. "Hey, it'll be okay. It'll be okay, just relax a bit more. I should've prepped you a bit more, I'm so sorry."

Jaebum shakes his head. Slings a hand at the back of Jackson's neck and pulls him down for a sloppy kiss. Kicks his hips up just a little as Jackson's stomach rubs against his cock. And it hurts, it _hurts_ but it's not nearly as bad as it was a moment ago. And Jackson kisses him back and smiles at Jaebum with his bottom lip between his teeth. And that's distracting, too.

They fumble together for a moment, Jackson guiding his hips up a bit more, kissing him as wet and thoroughly as Jaebum wants him to. Pins a hand between them to slide down the length of his cock as he thrusts carefully in. Tells him that it'll be okay, that they can stop if he wants, that Jackson can bottom or they can go back to watching the movie and it's —

It's maybe insane how much Jaebum doesn't want to do that.

He pulls Jackson a little closer yet; rests their foreheads together.

"I've got you, I've got you," Jackson says, soft and calming. Kisses him once, just a drag of lips. Thrusts in slow and careful and this time, _this time_ it feels better. Less like there's something wrong pressing into him. Less like he might fracture apart.

"Fuck," Jaebum whines.

"Baby," Jackson coos.

They shift together and apart. Jackson leans down to kiss soft at his neck. It begins to feel incredible, Jackson above him and inside of him. Fucking into him. Pleasure dragging through his body and down along his limbs, gathering and tightening. The room full of soft sighs and quiet whines and Jackson mumbling how pretty he is.

It's a little overwhelming in the best way. A hundred things happening at once, boiling down to just this. Just him and Jackson.

Part of Jaebum wants to remember this forever. The way Jackson looks with a little sheen of sweat across his forehead, the way his abs clench and flatten, the way he's smiling at Jaebum like he's the only person in the world.

He reaches up and rubs a thumb across his cheek. Gets kiss on the hand for his trouble.

He might be in love. Like proper, reciprocated love. Not the awful cloying pining that had settled into his bones before.

This was it, it felt like _it_.

It doesn't feel so much like a sobering realization as it feels like a truth about himself. A blanket settling over him. Soft and warm and —

Jackson cups his cheek and says, "Hey, hey." Soft and just a little bit amused. He drags a thumb along his cheekbone and it comes away wet. "Hey are you crying? Baby," he says, but it's soft.

"Overwhelmed," Jaebum mumbles.

Jackson's face crumples softer.

"I just love you," Jaebum manages.

It's maybe not how he should say it for the first time, but that doesn't matter because Jackson's face breaks in a wide grin anyway. He looks adorably happy, even with his bangs stuck to his forehead.

"God, you're cute," he says. And then, "I love you too."

They grin at each other for a minute or so and Jaebum isn't sure the last time he acted like this. The last time he said something cheesy and didn't immediately want to bolt into the sunset.

It's nice, he thinks to himself. Softer than he used to be somehow.

When Jackson bends to kiss him next it's tender and sweet. He runs a hand over Jaebum's hip to lift it up just a little and grind in hard. It feels good, but it's more like he's searching for something, trying to get an angle right. Jaebum almost asks what he's doing — it feels good but is just a little strange — and then Jackson presses in and Jaebum feels as though his whole body has been licked with flame in the best way. Something warm and hot racing from his core to spool out along his limbs with reckless abandon.

He grips tightly at Jackson's arm and makes some sort of noise he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to quantify appropriately. "Jesus fuck," he whispers breathlessly. "What —"

Jackson fucks into him again, and Jaebum nearly sees stars. It had felt good before, but there's something much more immediate about the way it feels now, and he —

"Oh, _oh_ ," he says, letting himself rock down onto Jackson's dick. "Fuck," he says. And then, "Are you close, because I might — Jesus, I'm —"

Jackson pulls an amused face but then bites down on his lower lip and nods a little. He's close too.

Jaebum pulls him down a little so that they're closer and it doesn't take long before they're both panting and whining. It's like a little miracle each time he can pull the noises from Jackson so he tries his best to keep doing it.

"Fuck, I'm —" Jackson says. He leans up a little, pulling his skin further away. Jaebum leans over and digs his teeth lightly into the meat of his shoulder. "Shit, baby. Come with me?"

"Please," Jaebum says, voice practically a sob.

Jackson wraps a hand around his cock, pumping quickly and easily along the length. The pleasure curls and tightens for a moment, overwhelming in the best way, then lulls for just a moment before spilling over. He arches his back as he comes, shooting sticky spurts across his stomach.

"Fuck," Jackson says again, wiping his hand on Jaebum's thigh and pulling out. It's all Jaebum can do not to whimper. He watches as he jacks himself for a moment before coming, too. All those pretty torso muscles tightening and then relaxing in sync. The way he slumps forwards when it's over, like all the energy has drained from him.

There's a moment where Jaebum's not sure what to say. He's never had sex before — maybe there's some sort of protocol he doesn't know about. He watches as Jackson shoves his sweaty bangs off his forehead and looks around the room almost in a daze.

He says what he's thinking.

"You're cute, you know that?"

Jackson's gaze lands on him and he grins, bright and happy. All those pretty square teeth.

"You're not so bad yourself."

 

—

 

Maybe things should should feel different afterwards. Jaebum knows that that’s how it is for some people. They have sex and feel like an entirely different person, feel somehow changed irrevocably.

Jaebum mostly just feels sated. And a little hungry.

When he tells this to Jackson, he gets a sigh in response. “Fuck, me too.”

“You want me to fuck you too?” Jaebum asks, raising his eyebrows.

Jackson barks out a laugh.

Jaebum continues with the bit. “Can it wait until after, I really am hungry.”

“You’re such a little shit, you know that?” Jackson asks. Jaebum hums in response. He knows.

They lounge together in bed for awhile longer anyway. Jaebum’s head resting against Jackson’s chest, just listening to the soft lull of his heartbeat and trying to muster up the energy to put on enough clothing to leave the house.

It’s nice, in a way. The slow way they drag themselves out of bed, complaining the whole while and groaning softly about sore limbs and tight muscles. The way they fish clothing out of the closet that could belong to either of them. The way that it doesn’t matter in the slightest.

And if while they walk together to Dolly’s Jackson slips his fingers into Jaebum’s hand and laces their fingers together, well. That’d be nice, too.

**Author's Note:**

> someone remind me to put my stuff here when this is revealed, thanks.
> 
> @ jackson, fight me


End file.
